Helping children cope with grief.
Children & Loss
Download Resources
Talking with Children About Death and Dying (two-page pdf)
Understand and Helping the Grieving Child handout (twelve-page pdf)
Talking with Children about Death and Dying
“Many adults find the concepts of grief and loss uncomfortable; feelings that are easier to push aside and ignore. This can be particularly true for adults who are caring for children experiencing loss. Adults often express the desire to “take the pain away” if they could. However, when a significant loss occurs in a child’s life, the reality is that the child will grieve and will experience pain. In an effort to protect a child, an adult may unintentionally limit a child’s ability to process the change or loss, and therefore, not allow a child to move forward in a healthy way.”
Beverly Goldsmith, MSW
Safe Crossings Grief Support Program
Providence Hospice of Seattle
Why These Children Need Help
“Childhood grief is one of society’s most chronically painful yet most underestimated phenomena.“
Lynne Hughes, author and national speaker on childhood grief
According to a recent survey conducted by Comfort Zone Camp (CZC) and funded by the New York Life Foundation (Click here to read more about the study):
- 1 in 9 Americans will experience the death of a parent before turning 20
- 1 in 7 Americans will experience the death of either a sibling or a parent before age 20
- 50% of the children who lose a parent do so between the ages of 15 and 19, a time when most teenagers are struggling to manage the stress of peer pressure and adult development.
- Bereaved children who lose a loved one are at a greater risk for depression, withdrawal, anxiety, poor school performance and conduct problems, teen pregnancy and lower self-esteem.
A recent Harvard University study of children whose parent had died found that 19% of these children show serious problems at one year, and 21% at two years after the death of a parent.
The loss of a parent is a profound psychological trauma for a child. Losing a sibling or other loved-one can also be very traumatic. Such events can lead to serious social and emotional developmental problems. Young children invest almost all of their emotional energy in their families, particularly their parents. With the death of a parent or sibling, a child's world is turned upside down.
Young children may view death as something that can "come and get you" or as a contagious condition. Often there is a feeling of guilt. Older children often worry about what this will mean for the family economically and how their lives will change. Difficulty concentrating in school and completing assignments is common; often these children are concerned about how to grieve and still fit in with their friends in school. Often there is a physical as well as a psychological toll with a higher susceptibility to illnesses and ailments such as headaches and stomach problems.
For teens, there are particular risks of depression and anger. Also, teens may seek to escape their pain and grief by engaging in high-risk behaviors such as alcohol and drugs, reckless sexual activity, or driving dangerously.
The dangers to children when they experience such a loss can be greatly diminished by a program like Safe Crossings. Even when children are very young, they often feel that they are burdening their parents when they talk about their feelings. The Safe Crossings counselor is someone with whom it's okay to talk. He or she is there to listen, to help the child express the pain, and to help a child decide how to say goodbye. These children are guided and supported by a trained counselor at a time when other family members are themselves grieving and struggling to cope.
Surviving parents can learn that children will experience their loss differently depending upon developmental stages, and that for younger children, this often will mean a delayed grief reaction. Parents learn what behavior is normal and how to be supportive. Through grieving groups, children can learn to express their sadness and to rediscover their childhood.
Older children and teens often long for someone outside of the family with whom they can talk. They find in their Safe Crossings counselor the support and guidance to see them through this difficult transition so that they can go on with their lives.